Archive for September, 2010|Monthly archive page

help is on the way

You know, I am really learning to trust in God.

I’ve noticed these past few months that whenever I feel the worst, whenever I feel stressed and crazed and overwhelmed, it is usually because I have tried to take control of my life.  I’ve made my perfect little plan with matching to-do lists and post-it notes. But really, there is much wisdom to that saying, “Let go and let God.”

I don’t mean this in a close-your-eyes-and-pray-and-everything-will-turn-out-perfect kind of way. I mean trusting in God in the most sincere way possible. Even if it is a simple prayer or thought to yourself that God is in control. It really is freeing.

About two weeks ago I was in full-on panic mode because my hours were getting cut in half at work. Due to some university budget constraints, our office was asked to cut hours by 50%.  We’re only allowed to work 19 hours a week as is, so to cut that in half would simply not be sustainable. I was freaking out. How on earth will I be able to pay my rent when I can barely pay it now, working 19 hours?

But before I could so much as look for another job, I ran into a colleague in the library randomly. She asked if I’d be interested in being a teaching fellow this semester. What?!! This is one of those “Why does God love me so much?” kind of moments.  In one fell swoop, not only had my financial problems been solved, but I get to teach! I’ve already had two classes, and I love it. Teaching this class is perfect for me: once a week, I get to see what I am working toward…I get a little dose of inspiration to get me through the next week. As I stand in front of my classroom, preparing for the upcoming discussion, I see a teeny glimpse of what my future might be like. And I’m psyched. So Big Guy, feel free to take over anytime. I trust you.

tidal wave

As much as I am embarassed to admit it, I love Owl City (I think my little brother is the only one who truly knows this about me.)

Anyway, Owl City has this great song called Tidal Wave. Youtube it some time if you haven’t heard it, it is really great and the lyrics are really profound. I’m always amazed at how songs can speak to you when you least expect it. I’ve listened to this song a hundred times but these past few days, the song has taken on new meaning.

I started thinking about this image of a tidal wave. I have so many memories of playing in the ocean (pre-Florida memories…I mean actual waves, not the little baby waves in the Gulf of Mexico). So many times I’ve played in the waves, and, perhaps lost in conversation or lost in swimming, I wasn’t looking and suddenly CRASH! a wave crashes over me, I can’t breathe or see anything for a few seconds. And then just as quickly as it came, the wave is gone, and I’m happily swimming again.

This is a perfect image for how I’ve felt these past few days. Under so much stress from all of these classes, work, commitments, the GRE, this giant research paper looming before me, phd applications…honestly I get distressed just listing these items.

I forget the last time I felt brave
I just recall insecurity
‘Cause it came down like a tidal wave
And sorrow swept over me

Depression, please cut to the chase
And cut a long story short
Oh, please be done, how much longer
Can this drama afford to run?

But I’m doing alright. I’m just swimming along. Then a wave crashes into me. I lose sight of everything, I can’t breathe. I panic.

Then I was given grace and love
I was blind but now I can see
‘Cause I found a new hope from above
And courage swept over me

And then, I pray. I pray and I wait. I find hope and joy and grace in the relationships that God has blessed me with. A random phone call, friends checking in to make sure I’m ok. Surprise packages in the mail from my family. And now I can breathe again. I open my eyes and I keep swimming.

It hurts just to wake up
Whenever you’re wearing thin
Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in

The end is uncertain
And I’ve never been so afraid
But I don’t need a telescope
To see that there’s hope
And that makes me feel brave

the first day of school

I have always loved the first day of school. Something about the smell of new books, a new set of pens and pencils, binders freshly stuffed with bright white looseleaf paper.  And of course, the thrill of possibility that a new school year brings.  The night before the first day of school has always felt like the night before Christmas! I know, I know…nerd alert.

Tomorrow is my first day of school, but this first day seems different in so many ways. For one, I am alone. This is the first first day of school that I’m ushering in a new year by myself.  Even last year, when I first moved to New Haven, my boyfriend was here on that first day. So this year, I’m alone. And thats ok.

Whats more difficult to wrap my mind around is that this very well could be my “last” first day of school. If I don’t get accepted to a PhD program, this is it for me. Thats all I have to say about that, because I am not beginning this year with a defeatist attitude. Au contraire.

I am walking into this year armed with nothing but passion and the sheer determination to do the best that I can in each of my classes, tests, and applications. This semester is what I have been waiting for: the chance to finally piece together all of my work into hope-filled applications, to be sent off to all corners of the country (and maybe even abroad). I have been chasing this call of mine for years, and here I am, mere months away from some big moments.

I’m going to leave you with this beautiful scripture quote that I found yesterday while prepping for Greek class. I’d never heard this before yesterday, but it is truly something. Enjoy!

“You must make every effort to support your faith with goodness, and goodness with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with endurance, and endurance with godliness, and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love. For if these things are yours and are increasing among you, they keep you from being ineffective and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ…therefore, brothers and sisters, be all the more eager to confirm your call and election, for if you do this, you will never stumble.” 2 Peter 1:5-10

Bob Rice

Catholic speaker, musician, author, teacher

domestic diva, M.D.

my mother raised the perfect housewife...then I went to med school

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The Spiritual Evolution of a Faulty Catholic

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